Dealing with Anger

Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure, hostility or antagonism towards someone or something, usually combined with an urge to harm. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, but when prolonged, it spirals out of control which has serious consequences for your relationships, your health, and your state of mind.

Understanding anger

The feeling of anger isn't the problem; it's what you do with it that makes a difference. Anger becomes a problem when it harms you or others. You can learn to express your emotions without hurting others, and when you do, you’ll not only feel better, you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met.             Learning to control your anger and express it appropriately can help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying life.

1: Explore what’s really behind your anger

Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child e.g. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more susceptible to anger as well. Your anger can mask other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability? It is very likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings and needs. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged.

There are clues that show there’s something more to your anger which may include: You have a hard time compromising; you have trouble expressing emotions other than anger; you view different opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you.

Emotional awareness is the key to self-understanding and success in life. Without the ability to recognize, manage, and deal with the full range of human emotions, you’ll inevitably spin into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.

2: Be aware of your anger warning signs and triggers

there are physical warning signs in your body. Anger is a normal physical response that fuels the “fight or flight” system of the body, and the angrier you get, the more your body goes into overdrive. Becoming aware of your own personal signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control. Pay attention to the way anger feels in your body e.g. Knots in your stomach, Clenching your hands or jaw, Breathing faster, Pacing or needing to walk around, Having trouble concentrating, Pounding heart etc.

Identify the negative thought patterns that trigger your temper which may include: Overgeneralizing, Having a rigid view of the way things should or must be, Mind reading and jumping to conclusions, Looking for things to get upset about, Blaming. Always avoid people, places, and situations that bring out your worst. Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings. Then think about ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently so it doesn’t make your blood boil.

3: Learn ways to cool down

Once you know how to recognize the warning signs that your temper is rising and anticipate your triggers, you can act quickly to deal with your anger before it spins out of control.

Here are quick tips for cooling down

-Focus on the physical sensations of anger. While it may seem illogical, tuning into the way your body feels when you’re angry often reduce the emotional intensity of your anger.

- take some deep breaths, it helps counteract rising tension.

-Exercise, It releases pent-up energy so you can approach the situation with a cooler head.

-Take advantage of the relaxing power of your sense of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste like listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place.

-Stretch or massage areas of tension.

-Slowly count to ten. Focus on the counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.

-Give yourself a reality check. When you start getting upset about something, take a moment to think about the situation.

4: Find healthier ways to express your anger

If you’ve decided that the situation is worth getting angry about and there’s something you can do to make it better, the key is to express your feelings in a healthy way. When communicated respectfully and channeled effectively, anger can be a tremendous source of energy and inspiration for change.

Pinpoint what you’re really angry about, Identifying the real source of frustration will help you communicate your anger better, take constructive action, and work towards a resolution.

If your anger seems to be spiraling out of control, remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes or for as long as it takes you to cool down. It might be a brisk walk, a trip to the gym, or a few minutes listening to some music. this should allow you to calm down; release pent up emotion, and then approach the situation with a cooler head.

Always fight fair: It’s okay to be upset at someone, but if you don’t fight fair, the relationship will quickly break down. Fighting fair allows you to express your own needs while still respecting others.

Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.

Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.

Choose your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset.

Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish.

Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

When to seek help for anger management and control

If your anger is still spiraling out of control, despite practicing this management techniques, or if you’re getting into trouble with the law or hurting others—you need more help. There are many therapists, classes, and programs for people with anger management problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. You’ll often find others in the same shoes, and getting direct feedback on techniques for controlling anger can be tremendously helpful.

Tips for dealing with a loved one’s anger management problem

While you can’t control another person’s anger, you can control how you respond to it:

Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate; Wait for a time when you are both calm to talk to your loved one about the anger problem; Remove yourself from the situation if your loved one does not calm down; Consider counseling or therapy for yourself if you are having a hard time standing up for yourself; Put your safety first.

Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

Keeping your temper in check can be challenging. Use simple anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I" statements — to stay in control.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Do you fume when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion — but it's important to deal with it in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your relationships.

Ready to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.

1. Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

2. Once you're calm, express your anger

As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

3. Get some exercise

Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.

4. Take a timeout

Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.

5. Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.

6. Stick with 'I' statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes," instead of, "You never do any housework."

7. Don't hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.

8. x

9. Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

10. Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.